Story to far...

Well this post I think is going to be full of firsts as I take my first steps through chemo and all its side effects and implications. I had my first session on 6th Jan having had lots of meetings with nurses and Drs to confirm where I was at with diagnosis and to talk me through all the drugs, their uses and possible implications. I must admit the first time they tell you it is cancer I think the fear of those words are worse than the reality of it actually. I felt nothing but relief once they told me and you suddenly feel quite safe in this hospital bubble surrounded by experts who are telling you that it is a curable cancer and that is what they are aiming for. I laughed when they told me they are not God so can't guarantee that they will cure my cancer, but that they are committed to working towards that. My prayer since this all started was that Drs treat and God heals so it helps to know that ultimately they are helping in this process hugely but my fate rests with Almighty.

So first treatment went well. I had no allergic reactions to the 4 chemo drugs they give you through IV in hospital so it went through speedily in just over 5 hours. Ray and I kept ourselves entertained and distracted by watching a movie. I had a normal reaction to the last drug which takes about 15 mins to go through which was like stinging around my nostrils and eyes. Not so much painful as uncomfortable. Felt fine leaving but within about two hours after trying to get as many of the huge number of tablets I take down me, the sickness started. I think it was a combination of not getting the strong anti-sickness in me quickly enough and having a large dinner but anyways it only lasted about 14 hrs and then it went from strong nausea to mild to non existent within 5 days. Once we sorted which tablets happen when it was fine.

I have felt surprisingly well throughout the first cycle so far. The major symptoms you get with R-CHOP the chemo I am on are quite specific. I've had a numbness in the end of my fingers since about 7 days in, and occasionally a sore mouth and gums. I've managed to eat well though and go for at least one walk a day to stay active and get some fresh air. I've not always needed a nap in the day but once Millie goes down for hers it is good to rest up as much as possible. As all the mum's will know, raising toddlers is tiring at the best of times so I know I have to be really careful to totally give in to sleep when I need to.

I have also felt pretty ok in myself as well. The hardest thing to begin with is just being aware of how many very strong drugs are in your body and what it is doing. I felt so well in comparison to lots of people who have this cancer, and looked normal that it was a bit of a battle knowing the chemo is going to be quite brutal on my body and soon it will be obvious I have cancer. Especially once the hair goes.

I've been really aware of how to focus on getting through the treatment but any time you think too far ahead it is easy to start imagining a different future, new expectations and happier times. This can be helpful I know in some circumstances and whilst I have hope this will all happen, I find that if you are not careful you start escaping and then when you "wake up" if you like even if it has just been for a few minutes, you go through a sort of re-entry in to your reality which can be very unsettling. It is not that I spend everyday thinking I have cancer but I certainly don't spend long thinking I don't. I have found it much easier and more real to just be me in every moment, with cancer but laughing, watching tv, playing with Millie, organising decorating the house, rather than feeling the two are not compatible. So far this has allowed me to take captive thoughts that don't lead to anything productive or peaceful and as I constantly remind others, no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

I have been so blessed to know Joy though so far throughout this journey. It is a funny thing as it is not happiness, but a sense of knowing I'm secure in God. It is like a contentment that I am right where I should be and even through all the strange symptoms of the chemo I have known a peace that this is my path at the moment and in comparison to many it is a relatively easy one to walk. The world of cancer with its treatment, tests, waiting, tests and waiting, is just a world that is my new normal. It was funny as there was an excellent article in The Observer last Sunday about cancer written by a US physician who was talking about this "new normal" which I'd been saying to family since my diagnosis. It was excellent and explained how with a growing elderly population and 1/3 women diagnosed with cancer in the US in 2010, can we say cancer is an abnormality still or is it now part of our humanity and reality. I found it hard reading as I am still fighting my cancer and are not in remission yet, but still it was thought provoking and affirmed my attitude that you have to find a way of living with this disease for a while. You still fight it, you still hope it will go one day, but you don't dwell on the life you had without it or you just exhaust yourself. That is where I am at in my head I think, and you count every day as an opportunity again like when you were a child and you can't think to the end of the summer holidays at it is such a long time away that it is crazy trying.