Not such a good day

So the above post was written a few days ago but I've not had a chance to publish it. This actually is the one for today - my hair has just started falling out.

I had my hair cut short on Jan 4th after visiting the hospital and chatting to my cancer nurse called Catherine, who is hilarious by the way and a real gem. Ray and I just walked in to a hairdressers down in town and I said can you cut all my hair off please? It was quite weird but I felt ok and the hairdresser was excellent guiding me through it and I felt in control and prepared. It wasn't traumatic at all but quite cold though! Took about a day to not expect my hair to be there when I looked in the mirror but it was a great way of preparing for the inevitable and getting used to wearing hats.

From the beginning I've had a bit of stinging in my head around my scalp which was getting increasingly worse. It has been a bit weird so mum and I went wig shopping. It was a bit strange but like everything I'm trying to just see it as a journey so was sort intrigued to see what I'd look like. I tried on loads and some silly ones which just reassured me why I have never had a hair cut like it as it was hilarious! I settled on one closest to my original colour, with a small fringe and bob. To me it is always going to be poor substitute but I think it will help if I want a day when I want to look a bit more average than a bald person. I've got lots of hats too which I've researched so am sort of prepared and they've helped me feel proactive about it. Also wearing them it looked like I had no hair so I got used to people's double takes around the shop before I felt too vulnerable.

My scalp was sore last night so I couldn't really lay my head down and by 11pm I felt my hair starting to fall on my face. It seems to be going quite fast now so I may just cut it very short by the end of the day as it is getting a little irritating. I had a little cry in the shower when quite a lot came out and said a goodbye. It is a funny thing as it has literally been part of you for as long as you can remember but it is more the unknown of what, or who you are, without it. I know it is very very unlikely it won't come back but again, it is just the unknown of what hair you get afterwards and how that will make me feel. I prayed and felt peace about it and Ray and I joked, "hair today, gone tomorrow". I am really thankful that I've known true beauty is not what is on the outside for a while and know that Genevieve is still here shinning through even though I am starting to have less hair than my toddler!