Winter blues

Hi anyone who is still reading this blog :)

Realised I'd not posted for ages but wanted to share some good news. I had my MRI, the 'big one' a few weeks ago which my consultant has suggested may be my last hopefully. It came back completely normal which is a big relief and another step on this journey called remission. I felt peaceful about it but there is still the small 'what if?' question you have to cope with. As some of you will know, once you get a difficult result you realise how easy it can be to get told you're going down an entirely different path in a blink of an eye.

This means I've been in remission pretty much from March as MRI hasn't changed since then, but technically since end of April when chemo stopped. Really pleased and now in recovery mode which is still tricky. Main thing is constant colds/virus/bugs. I can count on one hand days I've felt well since September but am now having further tests as the Drs think I could have a lack of a particular cell which keeps the memory of my immunity. Apparently this can happen and it isn't ideal as the only answer is having blood work done which is something they resist if they can as I'm so young and it's not a life threatening thing. But it would explain the constant illness which is pretty debilitating at times. Still had amazing support from family and Gods Grace has kept me still and peaceful, it's just hard to plan things and when I do take a chance and do something, I pay for it. I'm on all sorts of supplements now and eating super healthy. I think it's just realising my recovery is as much an important stage as the treatment and giving in to the boring resting bit too especially as I am literally picking up every winter big out there. What's hard is not being able to do social things with lots of people. I'm becoming a bit of a hermit but it's totally needed as I'm useless to Millie and Ray if I'm sick all the time, and they're my priority. We're just praying the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome I've battled since 1998 isn't back!

The positive is though it's teaching me not to moan, complain and take things for granted. Which is good :) I'm learning I can still be me and give my best to the little things in life. Gives you lots of time to think about ambition, success and plans. What makes us successful? Its a question ive been reflecting on a lot and the challenges of knowing you have abilities you are not able to use at the moment. When all is stripped away who are you? Learning that is often the real you and that's exciting as at the moment I like what I see in me. Praying I can maintain 'me' regardless how long this recovery takes. But def going to start piano/composing again as I used to love that. I'm also getting into experimental jazz and folk music which is testing my brain but massively inspiring me and a good outlet for my energy and creativity along with my art and pictures I'm making for the house.

Anyways I hope you are all well and thank you for your support though this process. Once Ray drives we'll be able to come see some of you more which will be awesome. Those who are praying please pray for health and endurance. That's by far the hardest thing and I need help with it. Love G xxx